Volume 131, Number 4

Thursday, January 29, 2004



The investigation into Papyrus Paper Company exploded today when Jeff Knox and Duncan Hill, two former employees, appeared before the grand jury. The two men told the members of the grand jury that Papyrus Paper Company regularly hired them to transport large barrels of toxic waste into the woods near Crystal Water Lake and dump them there. 

Ben Vimes, the general manager for PPC vigorously denies the charge, pointing out that neither man was ever on PPC’s payroll. Knox and Hill claim that Vimes paid them cash under the table. Both Knox and Hill are ex-convicts, and attorneys for PPC are expected to attack their credibility when they begin their defense tomorrow.

The investigation into PPC began when police, investigating an anonymous tip about illegal dumping in Crystal Park, found several barrels of toxic waste. Near the barrels was an abandoned pickup truck (inexplicably filled with flowers and sticks), registered to Duncan Hill. Upon questioning by Whispering Pines PD, Hill and his partner admitted to dumping chemicals illegally in the lake, claiming that they had done so for some time. Initial tests of Crystal Water Lake would appear to contradict that claim, as the water appears to be unusually free of pollution. Chemists from the University intend to repeat their tests in the near future.

by Claire Olney

Dr. Dorothy Forrester, a leading authority on infertility and the author of several controversial books, was scheduled for a three-week lecture series on reproduction at the U of O Whispering Pines campus. In addition to her lectures, Dr. Forrester also brought to the University a grant which would allow her to continue her research. When making this announcement, Dr. Miles Grazer, Chairman of the Medical Department, said he anticipated a long and fruitful partnership between Whispering Pines and Dr. Forrester. 

On Monday, the University announced the cancellation of the lectures and the departure of Dr. Forrester. Calls to Dr. Grazer were not returned but his office issued an official statement saying that Dr. Forrester resigned in the face of pleas from the University of Wisconsin for her immediate return. When contacted Dr. Thomas Krull, Dean of UW Medical School, said that he knew of no such request. 

Allegations that Dr. Forrester was forced to resign as a result of sexual misconduct and improper fraternization cannot be substantiated. However, a fourth year premed student, claims that Dr. Forrester propositioned him when he applied for the position of her laboratory assistant and that when he refused her sexual demands, she passed him over for the coveted position. "And I can't be the only one she did that too, either. Even though I knew a lot of graduate students and seniors who wanted that job, she gave it to a junior instead! Ya gotta wonder why." 

Dr. Dorothy Forrester

Willow Rosenberg, the junior chosen as Dr. Forrester's assistant, denied any allegations of improper conduct but did make the following statement, "Dr. Forrester is a brilliant researcher, but not a very nice person. Let's just leave it at that." 

According to an anonymous university source, Dr. Forrester approached at least one faculty member. "Someone in my department complained to me unofficially regarding Dr. Forrester's behavior. I know this man to be truthful, and do not doubt his account for one moment." 

No one associated with the University offered further official comment concerning Dr. Forrester's departure. 

This is not the first controversy at the Whispering Pines campus. In December, the History Department terminated Professor Glenda S. Gilchrist amid allegations of plagiarism and academic fraud. While refusing to discuss either case, Dean Whittier made the following statement, "Traditionally, the University has given the various departments free reign in hiring professors and lecturers. However, we will be revising that policy in the near future. We need to separate the chaff from the wheat and faculty members hired over the last two years should expect scrutiny in the days to come." 


Hit and Run Accident

Selina Johnson, a student at the Whispering Pines campus, was hit by an unidentified bicyclist yesterday while walking to class. The bicyclist made no attempt to stop after knocking the college freshman to the ground. Johnson is reportedly suffering from whiplash, but is expected to make a full recovery in the very near future. If you have any information regarding the unknown bicyclist, please contact the police at 555-3241. 

Illegal Gambling 

Acting upon information given them by an anonymous caller, police raided the Nightowl Nightclub early Sunday morning. Although the tip about a narcotic ring did not pan out, police did find evidence of massive gambling in the backroom. In addition to a roulette wheel and several decks of marked cards, police discovered an unusually large number of kittens and other pets. The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has said that they will be conducting their own independent investigation.

Public Nudity

Samuel  Kang, a 45-year old school biology teacher, was arrested Tuesday night for stripping naked in Harker Park and then jumping into the fountain. Russ MacPherson, the owner of The Slamdunk, indicated that he had served Kang at least half a dozen drinks over the course of the evening. When asked whether Kang might be placed on suspension as a result of his arrest, Principal Diane Skinner of Northern Senior High School said absolutely not. “His daughter was missing for months, and she just returned a few days ago. Sam was happy and wanted to celebrate. We understand that.” 

Timothy Moore and Valerie Kang, both aged 17, unexpectedly eloped in early November. Their whereabouts for the previous two months are still unaccounted for.

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